The Emmy Nominations were recently announced. As expected, the nominees are looking mighty pale. Among the shows nominated for outstanding comedy (30 Rock, Veep, Girls, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and The Big Bang Theory), we only see four token people of color combined in their casts, and Don Cheadle and Sophia Vergara are the only non-passing colored folks who are nominated for individual awards in the comedy department. Things aren’t much better on the drama side of things either, as Giancarlo Esposito is only the person of color nominated for an individual award who cannot pass for white.
Yes, it’s important to not only note when people of color are nominated, but to note when they’re non-passing, because Hollywood has a record of accepting colored folks into the fold more easily if they look as pale as possible. So, once again, black people will have to sit through a white-washed award show, with white presenters, white award recipients, and the whitest person in the history of people being white is hosting (Jimmy Kimmel).
But I’m not going to complain. In fact, I’m going to make the best out of a bad situation. Since Hollywood seems to be really attracted to boring television shows full of white people doing occasionally interesting things, I’ve decided to pitch a few television show ideas. Based on Hollywood’s current trends, all of these shows will be picked up for a 13 episode deal within fifteen seconds of publication.
1) When Alison McCarsonson’s grandfather passes away of a terminal case of being hit by a Uhaul Truck, Alison inherits his failing mayonnaise factory. When faced with a violent, psychopathic loan shark named Clarence, Alison isn’t sure that she can keep her grandfather’s legacy alive, but with the help of the factory’s wacky cast of undocumented immigrants, Alison learns that love is a dish best served slathered on baloney. Anna Kendrick and Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s little brother Rutherford Gordon-Levitt star in Miracle Quips, Sundays on NBC.
2) Nobody thought Charles Hollowitz would ever become a nationally syndicated talk show host, but when his parents buy him a television network, Charles proves that he has what it takes to be handed a TV show. Anna, Charles’ make up girl, love interest, and little sister, realizes that underneath Charles’ rough, entitled outer shell, he’s not actually as privileged as he seems at first: his great great great grandfather once had sex with a black girl. Matthew Perry and Portia De Rossi star in Netwerk, Tuesdays and Thursdays when the weather’s good on ABC.
3) Billy Stevenson is a white guy, an attractive one at that. He often does things, but when Sally Baldwin, an attractive white woman who does slightly different things than Billy, is forced to interact with Billy for some reason, the two learn that opposites inexplicably attract. They get married in season six and the quality of the show declines massively. Kristen Wiig and some guy we found working at TCBY star in Caucasian For No Particular Reason, twice a day on ESPN 2.